Breaking The Chains of Sexual Promiscuity In the African American Community

Is Sex Without Boundaries Ruining The African American Community?

I remember hearing my great aunt talking to my cousin who at the time had 2 kids under the age of 18, with her first baby being born at 15 years old.  My aunt in her wisdom tried not to chastise her because she didn’t want her to be embarrassed but wanted her to learn a lesson from having this child at such a young age.  My cousin at the time had dropped out of high school to have the baby but reassured us that she would go back to school to get her GED, get a job and marry the father of her child.  My aunt simply looked at her, attempted to smile but the look on her face revealed how much she had faith in my cousin’s convictions.  And interestingly enough, not more than several months later, my cousin shows up pregnant again, with her first born baby in a stroller, no “baby daddy” by her side, and a broken heart.

Now, as a young African American girl growing up in Baltimore, I have seen it all.  I have become totally immune to what other communities consider shocking.  I’ve seen young girls as young as 10 years old have children of their own.  Entire families become addicted to crack cocaine.  Mothers going out of the house to work “the streets” to sell their bodies.  Fathers either leave the home altogether or simply die at the hands of a dope dealer.  And children being left to their own vices to find love they couldn’t find at home.

Generally, children suffer the most from sexual promiscuity.  They can be brought into the world by what I consider to be young, careless parents who spend one night of passion just to escape their own harsh realities only to discover a lifetime of paying for those mistakes they’ve made with a child they cannot afford to nurture or care for in a “hell” which the parents helped to create.  No one wins this game.  The child grows up confused about what it means to have a family in a world which counts them out before the age of 21.

As an African American dating coach, I see the struggles in my clients all the time.  Many of whom were by-products of single parents and who are now single parents themselves.  I see them trying to grow into better people.  I can intuitively feel them reaching out to me to help them heal spiritually.  They are trying to rewrite their wrongdoings and make a better way for their kids.  But their sexually promiscuous ways just keep coming back to haunt them. 

Let’s go back to how this all may have got started.  Some would say that it started from the time of slavery.  The notion is that the promiscuity is a result of black male slaves having to impregnate black female slaves to produce more young black slaves to work the plantations.  I’m not sure I buy into this theory since the statistics for marriage in the African American community in the 1950’s and 1960’s were generally pretty normal for that time period.  If blacks are sexually promiscuous due to slavery, then those statistics would invalidate that theory altogether.

There’s another theory that the music and the culture contributes to this sexual promiscuity.  This may be true to some extinct.  Just think about how often you listen to music or watch television on a daily basis.  We watch “Love and Hip Hop” or “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” to see who will be the target of the next scandalous love affair.  Of course, nowadays we don’t have to watch television at all but log onto the Internet to read about the next celebrity having a baby out of wedlock or hear about the next cheating spouse to help validate our own personal experiences.  Although I don’t think we can blame our own sexual promiscuity on our culture, you would be “hard pressed” to say the culture doesn’t influence it.   

So what’s the real reason our community has become so sexually promiscuous?  Well, for starters, I believe it is because we have accepted this behavior as the norm and have become paralyzed with helplessness.  For example, as women, we have relaxed our standards for courtship so we can “hang on to a man”.  If you’re a young single women, you may have needed to feel loved at some point in your life which may have fueled an interest in a guy who would otherwise never “get the panties”.  If you’re a young single man who can get convenient sex with all the benefits attached and no responsibility, then this is heaven for you.  I’ve even seen mothers who are so desperate for their daughters to have a “little chubby cheeks”, they don’t care whether the father will be there or not, psychopath and all.  And married men and women don’t get a pass on sexual promiscuity when they allow their partners to bring others into their relationship (knowingly or not) and turn the other cheek subjecting them to all sorts of STD’s and unwanted “lovechildren”.

Sex can be such a wonderful experience between two mature people who love each other and understand the consequences of what can happen through this experience.  People underestimate how important it is in the confines of a marriage or long term relationship.  You have to trust your partner with your body.  You trust your partner with your life.  You sleep with everyone they have slept with, every thought they have been thinking, every emotion they have been feeling and every spirit that has tried to attack them.  People ask me all the time when it is appropriate to have sex with my partner (90 days, 1 year, etc.).  But actually, if you have to ask, then you’re not ready.

In short, we can do better.  We have a deep, rich ancestry with trailblazers who would be turning over in their graves to know what our culture has become as a result of their tireless efforts so future generations can live and dwell freely.  We can begin to break the chains of sexually promiscuous behavior patterns by going back to our values and morals.  We can place boundaries around our sexuality only giving it to those who are deeply committed to us and who only have our best interests at heart.  We can stop treating sex as a passing fad but yet a beautiful experience only to be shared with the person we truly love.  We can teach our kids to value themselves and value the temple that God has entrusted with them.  Let’s not destroy our children’s future and the gifts our ancestors have bestowed upon us.  Let’s step up and become role models.  They deserve more from us.  They really do.

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or you may inquire about my dating/relationship coaching services at www.liveloveaspire.com.

Valentine's Day Event - February 14th

 

Hey Ladies and Gents!

 

I will be co-hosting a Valentine’s Day event on Friday February 14^th   at the Grand Historic Venue in downtown Baltimore. See event details below.  All are welcome including singles and couples.  I will be there hosting the “Battle of the Sexes” dating game “Valentine’s style” and doing a few matches there (subject to the amount of single men and women who volunteer!). So if you’re looking for something to do or want to hang out with good folks and have a good time, please do join us!

 

http://www.eventbrite.com/e/an-intimate-affair-tickets-10011276999?aff=efbevent

 

EVENT CANCELLED DUE TO UNFORESEEN EVENTS!!

 

The Valentine’s Series…Modern Day Guide To Dating the Traditional Way

Grandma’s rules for dating in a modern world for both men and women

When I was a little girl growing up, I would hear my elders talk about the proper etiquette for a young lady or what I like to call the “do’s” and “don’ts” of dating.  Men had rules to follow too and were certainly not excluded but they usually followed suit with what was expected for women.  It all seemed so simple back in those days as compared to modern times when you have to guess who will pay for the date or if you will get a “call back” after the date has ended.  Maybe it’s time to revisit those days.  Well at least revisit the rules that were set in place to ensure a successful courtship and see if we can update them to suit our modern day needs.

First, I’ll start with the ladies.  As young ladies, we need to value our worth.  You see, the more confident you feel about yourself on the inside, the more it will show on the outside.  You have to believe you are worthy of a guy who treats you like a queen.  If a guy is not treating you like the queen you are, he is not worthy to be with you.  There’s plenty of fish in the sea.  You have to know how much you bring to a potential relationship and that any man deserving of you should know this and respond to you accordingly.

Fellas, don’t think I forgot about you.  It is critical for you to maintain a certain level of confidence.  As a matter of fact, I recommend not leaving home without it.  Women look forward to meeting men who are confident and can take charge on a date.  It’s such a turnoff for a man to be indecisive and “wishy-washy” on a date.  Generally, women want men who have a clear direction and purpose for their lives and that women can look up to and admire for their endeavors.

Now, while dating has certainly changed since I was a little girl, some things never change.  I still believe women enjoy it when a man approaches them rather than vice versa.  We still enjoy receiving phone calls from men as opposed to texts as well as men asking us out on dates.  I’ve listed a few of my favorite do’s and don’ts below that can still be applied to our modern day dating world.

Do’s –

1.       Men – please do plan dates in advance.  Sure, it’s fun in the beginning and creates a certain level of spontaneity for us.  But sooner or later, it gets old when we may have already made plans and you expect us to drop those plans because you called at the last minute to go on a date. 

2.       Women – please be ready for the date on time.  Yes, I know that you are only trying to look your best but it’s really not cool to keep the guy waiting, particularly if he has made reservations.  Try to time yourself on how long it takes you to put on your clothes and apply your make-up so you’ll be ready on time.

3.       Men – please do be chivalrous.  Open the car door for us or pull the chair out for us to sit.  If we seem a bit parched, offer us another drink.  Surprise us with flowers on the first date.  We notice these things.  The more chivalrous you are on a date, the better your chances of having a second one.

4.       Women – please do be flirty.  Throw your hair back.  Cross your legs a little higher than normal.  Let him know you really like him by subtle body languages.  It will make him feel special and appreciated.  Not to mention, it will turn up the heat!

5.       Men – please do pay for the date.  Women love it when a man pays for the date.  Yes, I’m sure you’re thinking it will certainly be nice if a woman paid for the date once and awhile but on the first date, just stick with the traditional thing.  Ask yourself the question, would you rather have it your way and not get a second date with a beautiful woman or would you like to impress her increasing your chances of getting that second date?

6.       Women - please do feel free to give thanks and appreciation.  It doesn’t cost you anything to say thanks to your date, even if the date didn’t turn out so well.  If he at least paid for the date, despite anything else that happened on the date, he certainly deserves a thank you.  Men really do like women who can give them appreciation and they tend to respond in kind.

Don’ts –

1.       Men – please don’t invite her to “hang out” with you rather than go out on a real date.  Show her some respect by taking her out to a nice restaurant, movie, etc.  She probably does not want to come over your house for drinks like one of your buddies but rather be treated like someone special by being taken out on a real date.

2.       Women – please don’t try to bring your lonely girlfriends out with you on the date.  I get the fact your girlfriend just broke up with her man and you feel guilty that you are going out at such a critical time but it’s not fair to your date.  He asked you out on a date and not your girlfriend.  Besides, you can call her when you get back home.  If she’s a real friend, she will understand your decision.

3.       Men – please don’t talk about yourself all night long on the date.  I know that you want to impress your date by telling her all about what you do for a living but give her a little light to shine too.  Allow her time to share something about herself as well.  Remember, she’s judging you on how much you are listening to her which goes a long way in a budding relationship.

4.       Women – please don’t talk about your ex-boyfriends or ex-husbands on a date.  If there was one rule I think you should adhere to, it would be this one.  Even if your last relationship caused you to have chest pains, please do not share this on the date.  When you go on a date, you are trying to put your best foot forward.  Telling your date about how your son or daughter’s father was no good will turn him away faster than you can count.  Remember to keep the focus on the two of you.

5.       Men – please don’t disappear between dates.  Fellas, when the girl you are dating does not hear from you for a week or two, it makes her think you’re not interested in her.  In many cases, she will move on.  If you have to take a “leave of absence”, the least you can do is let her know beforehand or just give her a quick 5 minute call to let her know you’re okay.

6.       Women – please don’t try to extend the date past the time that it should end.  Picture this:  He looks into your eyes as you into his and you don’t want to look away.  You hold hands and watch the stars in the sky.  The night is perfect and you don’t want it to end.  This is where many women miss the signals to end the date.  I recommend the golden rule of no more than 4-5 hours on a date, particularly the first few dates.  The reason is because you want to have something more to look forward to in the future.  Try to savor the moment.  If you play your cards right and leave him wanting more, you’ll have many more dates like this one.  Patience is key.

So there you have it!  My take on grandma’s rules remixed for modern day men and women.  Sure, we certainly can’t turn back the hands of time but we can at least utilize some of her best kept secrets for dating.  And who knows maybe a few marriages and long term relationships can be made as a result.

Good luck!

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or you may inquire about my dating/relationship coaching services at www.liveloveaspire.com.

Help, I Have A Secret Crush On Someone!

Are you in love with someone who doesn’t know you exist?

We’ve probably all had a secret crush on someone.  It’s relatively harmless when you think about it.  You can admire someone from a distance.  Maybe they help you to look your best or help to aspire you to your best self when you’re around them.  There’s virtually nothing wrong with that notion.  However, when we start creating a relationship with the person in our mind without the other person’s consent, that’s when it becomes a problem.

The best example of a secret crush I can give you could be the love you feel for your personal trainer or doctor but it could also be anyone else who is in a position to be really helpful towards you or that you admire a lot.  You can talk to him about anything and he will listen to you free of any type of judgment.  You begin to look forward to seeing him on a regular basis.  He shows you warmth and tender loving care every time you meet.  He even flirts with you periodically.  You think that you’re in love.  No one has ever showed you as much attention as him.

However, if you look closer into how he treats his other clients you would see that you may not be so special!  It’s just part of his business.  He is in a business where charm and charisma are necessary to get clients!  He treats you the way he feels you need to be treated so he can keep you happy and content with his services.  Otherwise, you would look for someone else!

You may be wondering what would happen if he reciprocated those same feelings you have for him?  Well, if he is really interested in you, he will let you know by asking you out on a date.  You need to be clear of his intentions for you.  And don’t be fooled by him asking you for your phone number because he may just want to keep in touch with you for any cancellations, re-scheduled appointments or other reasons outside of any interest for you.  The best way you’ll know he’s interested is if he asks you out on a date.  There really are no substitutes. 

So what if you told him how you feel?  Well, the truth of the matter is that you can tell him how you feel but be prepared for the consequences.  If he really isn’t interested in you, you will feel totally awkward.  What’s more is that you will have disrupted a great working relationship.  Once your feelings are released, your relationship with him will have to change whether it be that he is more careful with how he treats you going forward or that you become colder or bitter towards him in the process.  Either way, it’s a big risk so know what you are in for before you decide to take this approach.

But just to make you feel better, I will say that sometimes it’s just a matter of timing.  If, by chance, he does indeed have a crush on you as well, it may not be the right time.  He may want to honor the professional relationship he has towards you by not taking it further until the work is done.  Or he may simply be involved with someone else and not want to break your heart.  You certainly don’t want to have someone else’s leftovers when you can have your own meal!

The best case scenario is that you wait for him to make the first move.  You are certainly allowed to day dream about him as long as you don’t act out on it.  You can even casually flirt with him as long as you keep it strictly harmless.  Try not to dress like a slouch when you’re around him so he does notice you improving your chances of him making a move.  But do continue to date other people so you have a life outside of him.  This way if or when he does come around, you won’t have wasted your time waiting for him.  And if he does not, well, then you’ll have your answer but you will have moved on anyway!

Good luck!

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or you may inquire about my dating/relationship coaching services at www.liveloveaspire.com.